Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsSingles & Dating · 4 weeks ago

Girls please help!! Boyfriend is friends with exes...?

Hi girls! Thank you so much for taking the time to help me.

I want to start by saying that I trust my boyfriend - I just don't know what to do in this situation!!

My boyfriend and I are very close, and he's a very likable person. He's only had two rough breakups, and the others have been very civil. For this reason, he's still close friends with two of his exes. 

Because he's close friends with them, he will hang out with them both in group settings and one on one. It makes me uncomfortable that he sees them at all but especially in private. 

I've voiced these concerns and his excuse is that they weren't serious relationships so it doesn't matter. I just get insecure and compare myself to them, and I don't know what to do.

He's obviously known them before he knew me, so I feel like I;m out of place asking him to unfriend them.

Please help??

46 Answers

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  • 3 weeks ago

    A woman only has one purpose in a mans life I mean we dont hang out with them to talk about feelings or just buy them stuff to see them smile or listen to them because we give a crap.  If they didnt have that one thing we would never even speak to them just saying.

  • car253
    Lv 7
    3 weeks ago

    He enjoys their friendship and their attention.  It is up to you to see if you want to deal with that or not.

  • Good
    Lv 6
    3 weeks ago

    Okay, let's see now.  The only exes I ever continued to associate with were ones I wanted more from.  And if they offered, I would accept. with a smile.  Some offered.  I walked away with many smiles.

    How is it that you are, in his eyes, any different than them?  You may be a little farther up his priority list, but maybe not by much.  You know what behavior from a partner is acceptable to you and what isn't; what you can tolerate and what you can't comfortably live with.  In my opinion a man and woman can't be friends unless one of them wants something more.  Perhaps one or both of his "friends" want something more, or maybe he does.

    You are not wrong for breaking it off.  You are not wrong for staying with him. It's a matter of what you can happily live with.  Some people can live with an open relationship where each person is free to enjoy others company in an adult manner.  I couldn't live like that.  Maybe nothing is going on but the opportunity for something to go on is dangling right there in his face, and temptation is what I try to avoid because I know I'm just a weak man with strong desires that can overpower me if I don't keep them in check.  So, I simply avoid temptation as much as possible.  Maybe he is not tempted like I would be, but the question is why would he want to keep their company if he does not have a romantic interest in them?  "Oh, we are just friends."  I've heard that one before.  She was banging her "just friend" too.

    .

  • Anonymous
    4 weeks ago

    Treat him with kindness but don’t pour your all into him to win him over. Learn to not care so much. Realize that people who didn’t grow up in a dysfunctional family make more platonic friends and don’t think everything is about romance or s*x. Live your life the way you did before you met him. He obviously felt amazing when he met you, so remember who you are. You’re still that same person, just with more feelings for him. Go hang out with your family & friends, go do fun stuff and he’ll come around. 

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  • Kelly
    Lv 7
    4 weeks ago

    You should work on your own insecurities, re-evaluate the relationship or both.

    If you completely trust your bf, who he is friends with wouldn't be an issue.  If you were secure in your relationship, who he is friends with wouldn't be an issue.

    Most of my friends are men, one of which I was married to and overall in a relationship with for 15 years.  My husband has never had issues with my male friends because he's not insecure and trusts me.  My ex over the years has had girlfriends who had issues with us being friends and many of them asked him to unfriend or otherwise distance himself from me which is hard to do when you co-parent together ... well I'm still in the picture and they aren't.  If I still wanted to be with him, I still would be.

    Dictating who your partner is or isn't friends with is sign of being controlling which isn't attractive in anyone.

  • 4 weeks ago

    What is your question?

  • david
    Lv 4
    4 weeks ago

    Bruce has got a problem. While he's not necessarily doing anything wrong, he's not doing everything right. Then again, neither are you. Get them all together, and explain your concerns. Ask them to help you find solutions. Don't be conniving. Be upfront, honest kind and understanding. 

  • P
    Lv 7
    4 weeks ago

    I think it's easy to devolve into the popular "you just need to trust him"  sentiment, and there's a case for that on some level, but it's not that simple.  The statistical facts are very straight forward in that people who put themselves in private one on one situations with "ex's"  have very high probability of creating an opportunity to cheat compared to someone who doesn't even put themselves into that situation.  That doesn't mean they actually will, but at some point we are all human, make mistakes and act selfishly.    The people that attend group settings are often outside of his control, but the private one on one stuff is a well within his control.  It doesn't need to be an extreme "unfriending", and you should tell him that you trust his intentions, but the one on one meetups make you uncomfortable given the opportunities it creates.  Ask him to look into his sole and if he really turn down a close friend coming onto him in private after a few drinks.  You might find him understanding of your concerns or just dismissive.  Either way the conversation needs to be had.  You can't control him, but you can chose the type of person you want to be with in the end.    

  • Anonymous
    4 weeks ago

    You're right: You are out of place asking him to unfriend them, and it is a good thing that you realize this. For many it could even be a deal-breaker if their significant other asked them such a thing. Not because they love their friend/ex more, but because of the level of control and jealousy this implies.

    My husband is still friends with a few of his exes, but unlike you, it's never bothered me. In fact, I like most of them and the feeling seems to be mutual.

    My advice to you is to get to know these women, I know it made a huge difference in my husband's comfort level regarding one of my close male friends. He was never insecure, but he thought my friend was secretly interested in me. Once he saw us together, he realized that this wasn't the case, and they're now really good friends.

    I think the important thing to focus on here is that you trust your ex and then work on your self-confidence. He's with you, not these other girls, which means that you have something they don't, and then it doesn't matter if they're prettier, smarter, sweeter, more successful, or what have you.

    Also, most men find self-confidence sexy; plus, if he wanted to cheat, it wouldn't make a difference anyway if he'd unfriended his exes or not. He'd either just lie to you about it and see them in secret, or he'd cheat with someone else.

  • Anonymous
    4 weeks ago

    You are 1/2 of your relationship! If you feel threatened by them then LEAVE him behind!

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