Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsWeddings · 1 month ago

Is this normal wedding etiquette?

I’m one of 3 bridesmaids for my best friend for 10 years. She’s having a destination wedding and it’s been a lot to organize, buying gifts, going to several different events before even having the wedding.

Overall I’ve spent about $500 for hotel, dress, gifts, and bachelorette party expenses. We’re in our younger 20’s so it’s not like there’s a lot of money to throw around.

I became very disappointed and irritated when I found out my friend stated there wouldn’t be enough “room in her car” for me to ride out with her. She stated “she had already told two other people they could ride with her and she had all the other wedding stuff.” 

The last time we had discussed was that I would be riding with her. 

Also, the two people that are riding with her are not even close to her and are not in the wedding party.

The wedding venue is 12 hrs away. I’m irritated because travel would be about another $500 and I really do not want to pay an additional $500.

I also feel it’s rude and it’s disappointing that she didn’t think of saving a spot for me in the car based off of our friendship and since I’m one of three bridesmaids.

Not really sure what to do.

Update:

I took the advice some responders gave me and told her my feelings about the situation.

Simply put, she stated “if there’s room the day of then I can squeeze in.” 

She also blew up on me and took all her stressors out on me.

She stated the fact that “I should appreciate the discount she got on the hotel.” And “She’s having to put miles on her car ‘but I wouldn’t understand.’” And “I should appreciate she’s having to spend a lot of money.”

I’m like ? You chose to have a destination wedding.

Update 2:

Updating off previous update:

I just feel like she’s turning into bridezilla and not understanding the fact that all her guests are putting a lot of time and money into an unorganized mess.

She appears to be ungrateful and disrespectful.

As a friend of 10 years, I hope this doesn’t ruin our friendship but it’s getting there. :/

16 Answers

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  • Trish
    Lv 5
    4 weeks ago

    You've been friends since you were ten or so and I think you're acting immature.  Be glad she will try to squeeze you in the car the day they leave.  There's no reason to bash her.  Also I don't agree a twelve hours drive will cost five hundred dollars...I can do it for much less.  You must have known this position would cost a lot so please don't complain too much...be happy for your friend and enjoy the wedding.

  • 1 month ago

    Well, think about the options: one, suck it up and drive yourself (not sure how that will cost $500, but okay), or two, tell her can't be her bridesmaid anymore. Then think about the consequences. 

  • John P
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    Sounds like a vanity trip for the bride. End of  friendship? Tell her to find another bridesmaid?

  • 1 month ago

    Of course she's a bridezilla.  But you're learning a lot about how to handle people like this!  Short version:  Learn to say no.  In fact, the part about the ride to the venue is fairly minor compared to her other expectations.  When money is tight, it's always important to figure out your total budget for the wedding.  This includes any travel, buying a dress and then, if you CHOOSE to do so, any additional expenses related to shower and b'ette.  I put choose in caps because you are not required to do these things. 

    If she's had the b'ette already, I assume the wedding is right around the corner.  If so, suck it up and deal with it.  Then re-evaluated this friendship.  However, you mentioned buying gifts for her?  I don't know why or how this happened, but save money by not getting a wedding gift.  People think these are mandatory, but they aren't, esp when you've already given them.  Get a nice card.

    I had a destination wedding and I didn't expect any gifts, including for the wedding itself.  So yeah, you're right...she's an entitled brat.

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  • Foofa
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    That's fairly normal when a bride has crossed the rubicon into "bridezilla" territory. Surely you've done something to upset her like not totally bankrupting yourself in the service of her "perfect day". She may or may not get over it. Most insane brides start making apology calls right after the first anniversary when the passion wears off and they realize they'll need friends in addition to that "perfect man" they married who is also disappointing them by being just human. 

  • 1 month ago

    This isn't an etiquette issue, but a communications one.  You and the other bridesmaids failed to ask in advance what the bride expected, the costs associated, and then negotiate what you could afford or decline the "honor."

    Unless the bride promised to provide transportation to the wedding for you, then you can't blame her for not providing it.  If you can't afford the cost, then you need to tell her and or talk with the other bridesmaids.  Surely you aren't the only person coming form your area to the wedding.  Perhaps someone else could provide a ride.

    Being in a bridal party comes with a lot of costs and expectations.  Many brides and bridesmaids don't really think about them and or don't have the maturity to realize these should be discussed and agreed upon prior to anyone agreeing to participate. Now you're in the thick of it.  You can always back out, but that will end your relationship.  You just have to decide whether it's worth $500 to stay friends or not.

  • drip
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    You tell her the truth.   Last time we talked you told me I would be riding with you to the wedding site. I was counting on that,  unfortunately I can not afford transportation to the wedding.

     

    You tell her your budget is stretched and you can not afford it. 

    This is why both brides and bridesmaids need to discuss all the time and money involved for a wedding before agreeing to be in the wedding. 

  • 1 month ago

    Talk to her. Try to give her the benefit of the doubt - it's a stressful, busy time, after all. Maybe she thinks that $1000 isn't much money? Or maybe she thinks that a best friend of 10 years should be willing to spend whatever it takes? Tell her that you're relying on her for transportation, as you previously discussed, and that you had your heart set on driving with her, so you could be with your best friend during this important time of her life. 

  • 1 month ago

    'Hi - that's unfortunate. As you'd already agreed I'd be able to ride with you, I haven't made any other plans; nor can I afford to get there another way. I hope you understand that I can no longer make it.'

  • ?
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    I had a 'friend' once who sortof pushed her way into my life, she was a friend of a relative and started pushing me to let her work in my art studio.  Then she and a fella got together via a personals ad and ... pow ... six months later they were getting married.  She asked me to be a bridesmaid, which surprised me because I didn't feel that close to her.  After being assured I could pick my own dress so long as it was in the wedding color scheme I got a call from her that she found the perfect dresses, they were on sale for only $500 and I had to call immediately with my deposit.  Oh, and the dresses were strapless and above the knee -I don't even wear dresses, much less strapless short ones, and this wasn't what we had discussed.  While I was waffling, I didn't want to GO to the wedding much less be IN it, she asked me to be the maid of honor...I just had to bow out of the whole thing.  I'm pretty sure she asked for that because I was the most attractive of her options, both physically and financially and probably organizational skills wise, it wasn't about our relationship at all.

    I didn't go to the wedding and have had little to do with her since.  Now I simply avoid weddings.  I'm old enough that I can just bow out.

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