Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsFamily · 1 month ago

Adult Son Refuses To Do Chores?

My son is 18 and he just lost his job a couple days ago. Granted he's not broke, he pays rent and just paid in advanced for October in case he doesn't find work in time. But he still refuses to do any chores around the house. He thinks because he pays rent he shouldn't have to. He doesn't even stay at the house when I ask him to do yard work or house work and he just leaves for the day to play with his friends and comes back home at night to sleep. I want him doing chores at home until he finds another job to make up for not working. He has a responsibility to his family just like everyone else here. How do I make him stay home to do chores instead of whatever he wants?

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  • 1 month ago

    some would say that searching for employment is a full time job, with limited chore time.  

    Let me understand: he pays rent to you his parents?  If he lost his job, where is his money from?  Glad Im from a different family, though my father did propose the idea at times.

  • 1 month ago

    Some would say you expect too much.  Others not enough.  But you can't have it both ways.  If he wants to be a big boy you have to decide if you want to treat him like one or not.

    That means he should sign lease, and be evicted when he does not pay, and you can't tell him to clean his room since that is now off limits to you due to the lease, and you can't tell him to cut the grass since that is your responsibility cause you are the landlord.

    Point is though he is a grown man now and you need to decide when you are going to treat him like one.  I suggest changing the way you communicate, and I also suggest you give a lot of consideration as to if you would actually be willing to toss your kid out on the street if he won't pay cause if you won't then there really is no point in having him pay anything at all.

  • 1 month ago

    You can't make him stay home because he is no longer a minor.  You are considered a landlord and your son is your tenant/occupant. Rent is money paid by tenants to landlords in return for living in their property.  In other words what he pays you rent he is paying for shelter.  If he were to rent an apartment or house most of the time unless written into a lease rent does not include utilities and things such as electricity, gas, water, sewer, garbage, food, housekeeping, laundry or lawn maintenance.  He is 18 and it is time for him to start learning what it is to be an adult and living in the real world.  I would tell him either he does his chores or you will go up on the rent to include the aforementioned mentioned cost.  You may be his mother but you are not his maid.  Figure out how much his share of utilities, etc and show him how much he will have to shell out on top of rent it would cost him if he refuses to do his fare share around the house.  If you don't put your foot down he will continue to take advantage and he will not know what it is to become an adult and have responsibilities.  You would be doing you both an injustice if you don't. It's called tough love mom  

  • 1 month ago

    If he paid rent to live anywhere else, it wouldn't come with free maid service, so he still needs to clean up after himself and do his own laundry, just as if he was your roommate, because he is. 

    But that means you also have to stop treating him like a child and saying things like "he leaves to play with his friends" (play? really?) or "I want him doing chores until he gets another job." 

    You must both sit down together and hash out the terms of your arrangement - such as $300 rent, with phone, internet and meals included, plus doing the dishes twice a week - or whatever you both decide is fair. But then you don't get to say anything about how he spends his time, so long as he keeps up his side of the arrangement. Any more than you could tell a roommate how to spend their time. 

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  • Tara
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    You and him sit down together ... tell him what you expect of him while he lives in your home .. even write it on paper and sign it.   If he refuses - then you will have to take the next step.

  • 1 month ago

    You can't really *make* him, he's 18 years old, you can't call the police and report him as a runaway if he leaves. However, what you can do is make it clear that participating in keeping house is part of living in the home, regardless of whether you pay rent or not. If he chooses not to do those things, he will need to find another place to live. If it's a matter of him feeling like he doesn't have choices or is being treated like a kid; perhaps spend some time once a week, say on Sundays, think of the household responsibilities he needs to have during the next week and present those to him, he gets to decide when and how they are done, but the expectation is that by next Saturday at 10 pm, they are completed. 

  • Anonymous
    1 month ago

    I think what you should do is tell him either you go to college, or university, or I will kick you out of my home since he no longer has a source of income. If he has enough money to go to college, or university then just tell to go to school, and use whatever savings he has, for school, and, for a home too if he has a lot of money saved up. If he refuses to go to college, or university then I suggest you kick him out of your home.

    I assume you want what is best, for your own son right.

    Regarding myself I have a college education, and I am self taught too. Your son probably won't be able to survive in this world if he isn't motivated like me.

    Currently I am looking, for a place to live, and I have done a lot of research, but, for your son to be able to servive on his own then he is going to have to want it bad enough.

    I think you are wrong about 1 thing you said. No, he doesn't have any responsibility to his family. Eventually my family members will die, and each member of my family knows it. I am trying to figure out how to fend, for myself. Chores is only one part of life, but there are other parts of life that your son should be working on.

    Regarding chores, well I didn't do any chores when I was a college student, and I didn't have a job either when I was a college student. My main goal was to learn, and finish school, and that's what I did. I was living with family members when I attended college.

    Since I finished school then I have more time on my heads, so I do chores where I live. I really think you should let your son read what I said.

    I believe he has a responsibility to himself, but I just don't see it. I told you what I did with my life, and what I currently doing while your son is going with his friends.

    If he had it his own way then what I think is going to happen is his savings are going to decrease, and he won't be able to succeed. After you die, then your son will be alone, and nobody is going to take care of your son, and other people will notice that your son is irresponsible.

    Do you notice a difference of attitude between your son, and me?

  • Teal
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    Paying rent doesn't mean you have no obligation to clean up after yourself and help care for the home. But paying rent does mean that his time is his own and he doesn't have to justify how he spends it. If you want to pull the family card and expect him to be at your service, then you should let him live with you for free. Otherwise negotiate with him like an adult and come up with a written agreement as to his specific responsibilities and your expectations. 

  • 1 month ago

    If he is paying you rent, what does that include? Utilities? Food? WiFi? Does he pay you the same as he would pay a stranger landlord? If so, tell him to go somewhere else.

    If he is paying you less than he would someone else, increase the rent to pay for a cleaner. If it is the same, would he have to keep his place clean or would the landlord do that? Kitchen, bathroom, etc,Why would you want him in your home if he does not contribute other than financially? Ask him.  

  • Anonymous
    1 month ago

    Look.   He's your tenant and he's also your roommate.    If you want him to keep living there, draw up a rental contract with all the terms and conditions including which chores he's responsible for whether he's working or not.   He then has the choice of agreeing to it or moving out. 

    But you don't get to be all bossy with your tenant/roommate and tell them they are going to do these chores on this day because they aren't at work. 

    Your son has no clue what it means to be an adult.   So start treating him like one instead of treating him like a child who needs mummy to micro-manage him.

    "He has a responsibility to his family just like everyone else here."   Not really like you, your spouse or minors who live there.   He is now an adult tenant who pays rent.   You have entered into a business agreement.  So you need to more clearly define what the agreement actually is and then enforce it.  If he doesn't follow the agreement, he's given notice to vacate.

    "How do I make him stay home to do chores"   Landlords don't get to tell their tenants when they must stay home.   If his lease requires chores, so be it.   But a lease that requires him to do the chores at your beck and call is not reasonable for any adult tenant who pays rent.

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