Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsFamily · 4 weeks ago

Husbands sister moved in with us.. help?

She is here indefinately.....here is what she does.  She gets up, fixes herself coffee, waits for me to cook her breakfast, unknown what she does for lunch and goes out to shop and visit friends during the day.. comes home for dinner.. just in time to eat and then she disappears to her part of the home.  I know I am just too freaking nice.. but was always taught, you treat guest well.  I have and I get no thanks.  I guess its too late now to change the tables.. but I tell ya.. this is really getting old.  Ideas?  I am begrudging each and every day.  My nice bucket is past empty.  And yea I know I created this monster.  

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  • Ann
    Lv 7
    3 weeks ago
    Favorite Answer

    I'm assuming this woman is either independently wealthy or else she is  unable to figure out how to do anything.  She's obviously been spoiled into thinking she's a princess.  How old is she, how did she end up at your house, and why is she there "indefinitely"?  She is not a guest, but a parasite.  There are definitely some things you can do.  I assume you don't work outside the home because you're there to wait on her, hand and foot.  Well, the first thing you do is to get over being a doormat.  Call up some of your friends, and go out to breakfast with them--even if it's just coffee and a doughnut--every morning  but Sunday, when your husband will probably want breakfast as well.  Second, don't clean her room or do her laundry for her.  Let her ladyship do those things for herself.  Third, go out to dinner with your husband (or friends).  Don't leave anything for her dinner, but let her cook for herself.  You and your husband are going to have to agree and how to do this.  She will probably complain loud and long to him about how mean you are.  He is the one who needs to tell her to get off her rump and start acting like an adult if she is to live in your house.  Oh, and she will be expected to contribute to the household expenses--1/3 of the utilities and 1/3 of the mortgage payment.  You can bet she'll find another place to live pronto.

  • 4 weeks ago

    You definitely were too accomodating and she’s gotten used to it. I think you should have a talk with your husband there and one of you need to set some rules - if she is staying at your house indefinitely, she will have to start pulling her own weight. Adults cook for themselves, pay for the accomodation and treat others with respect. She should at least have the common courtesy to spend some time with you and your husband now and then to show her gratitude. 

  • Anonymous
    4 weeks ago

    Well you have two options, either kick her out or you continue to let her live in your home. Either way mind your own business as to what she's upto 

  • art
    Lv 6
    4 weeks ago

    you are going to have to talk to your husband about this, he is the one that should tell her its time to move out (otherwise you will) he will have to set a date when she leaves as you want your house back

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  • 4 weeks ago

    She should say thank u but maybe she thinks that she's in the way so she stays gone all day to avoid getting on anyone's nerves.

  • 4 weeks ago

    Sounds like you both have very different expectations about family staying over/living in the same household. You didn't create this, it sounds like you assumed, she would be grateful and would tend to herself (at the very least). She assumed that you would treat her as a guest in an all-inclusive hotel. If neither of you are going to be clear with one another, it's going to keep being rough. You need to have a conversation like two adult women, "We are happy to have you in our home while you are working things out (or whatever). However, we do need to have a conversation about how we are going to live together. I feel like it's expected that I make breakfast and dinner and continue to do all the cleaning. We need to have more contribution to paying for groceries that we all consume and I'd really like some help with the cooking." You aren't being nice, you are being a doormat and playing martyr, woman up and have a conversation. 

  • Pearl
    Lv 7
    4 weeks ago

    maybe you can move out

  • 4 weeks ago

    First of all, she is not a guest in your home. She is a resident. You are not running a bed and breakfast inn.

    Yeah, you created your own mess. Only you can change things and you are wronh...it is never too late to change.

    Sit down with hubby and let him know that you are taking back control of your life and you will no longer cook and clean up after sister dearest. Then  with him by your side, the three of you need to have a little chat, hubby being the one to speak. He uses words like js, we and our..this show's sister dearest that you are united and together in this. Set boundaries, let her know how it is going to be and just follow through.

    Again, she is a permanent fixture in your home  she is not a guest  you are not her  he  you are not her maid. Do you understand? Good.

  • Anonymous
    4 weeks ago

    "I know I am just too freaking nice"

    First, you're being a bit hard on yourself when you say you "created this monster".  I would assign at least half the blame to your husband, who certainly knows her better than you do.  And part of the blame lies w/ her.

    On the above, you're not being too nice.  You're being a bit of a doormat.  Your home belongs equally to you and your husband, meaning no major changes should ever happen without a thorough discussion.  You would have been within your rights to say no.  It also would have been fine if you had insisted on a 3 month deadline, and/or told him the 2 of you needed to draw up a contract you both agree to, and his sister signs this contract before moving in. 

    You do need to talk to your husband, but you can start w/ small steps.  It's not your job to fix her breakfast!  But on that discussion, all of this needs to be defined better.  He is enabling her to be an entitled, irresponsible adult.  That's not doing her any favors.  She should be contributing financially and with chores.  This is just the beginning.  She also needs a deadline unless you plan to spend the rest of your marriage like this.

    Finally, on how to great guests, there's a big difference between someone staying for the weekend vs someone living there! 

  • 4 weeks ago

    You didn't create an ungrateful woman who takes you for granted. You do not include whether she makes any sort of financial contribution? Or any other type - does she do any chores or help out around the house? Why have you agreed to be a doormat? If you have children what sort of example and model are you?

    You need to have a serious conversation with your husband. He needs to know that you are very unhappy with the situation. Give him one week's notice that you will no longer cook for her, do any washing (bedclothes, towels, etc.). Actually, I would tell them both that next time she has a meal without even saying "thank you" that will be the last. 

    Good Luck!

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