Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsWeddings · 2 months ago

Is this rude to ask of your maid of honor?

My maid of honor is going to be my sister.  She is naturally very tan, and I am naturally very pale. Being pale is something I have always been very self-conscious of, but for my wedding, I am planning on getting a tan.  It will probably be the only time in my life I will get a tan.  My sister lays out in the sun every time she goes to an event and then puts self-tanner lotion on afterwards, even though she is already naturally very tan.  So I know that’s what she will do if I don’t ask her not to.  Even when she hasn’t tanned, people often mistake her for being Filipino or Hispanic.  (Btw yes we have the same parents.  I want to ask her not to tan for my wedding, so I don’t look as pale.  I don’t want her to feel self-conscious or not feel beautiful standing in front of everyone, but I also don’t want to go get a tan and risk the damage to my skin and spend the money just to end up still looking super pale compared to her.  In pictures, I always look extra pale standing next to her, and it’s usually not a huge deal, but for my wedding, I would really prefer not to.  Is that mean of me to ask her not to tan for my wedding?  I’m not trying to be a total bridezilla, and I know it’s such a trivial thing, and on the day of my wedding I probably won’t even be thinking about that.  But looking back at pictures, I don’t want to look like I have ghost skin, which is how I look in pictures from every other important even she and I have gone to together and gotten pictures together.

16 Answers

  • Foofa
    Lv 7
    4 weeks ago

    Yes, asking someone you supposedly love enough to want in your wedding to change something about themselves is petty and narcissistic. It's even worse in this case because this is your sister and if you damage that relationship over the one day event that is a wedding it could have unpleasant ripples throughout your whole family. Don't be so vain that you forget what a wedding is supposed to be about... Surrounding yourself with those you love so they can witness you commit to your partner for life. It's fun to be a little bit of a princess for the day, but that's secondary to the meaning a wedding is supposed to have.

  • 2 months ago

    If people think anything, other than how beautiful the bride is, it will be, "Sad, that other girl's bound to have cancer by the time she's forty."

    When I was a kid fifty years ago, it was a big deal to work on your tan. We know better now. Even if you DID ask, you can't control what she does, and you suspect she'll continue tanning anyway! Why cause problems and set yourself up for disappointment? 

    And why tan yourself? I don't get some brides, going waaaaay out of their way to not look anything like their normal selves in their wedding. What exactly is the point of looking at an album of a person who looks like a stranger. 

  • Ocimom
    Lv 7
    2 months ago

    Personally I would not get a tan - enjoy your pale skin.  You may end up look blotchy if you try to tan and it doesn't come out right.  You can ask her please do not tan so dark for the wedding if you want.

  • 2 months ago

    Everyone who knows you and your sister...such as many of the wedding guests  already know the difference between your and your sister's complexion. But you are talking about photos. Well, the fact of the matter is that you two are individuals and have your own unique features. Just because you have always felt self conscience about your pale complexion does not mean anyone else should change their appearance to compensate for your self imposed insecurities over your appearance.

    That is almost like asking a well endowed woman to bind her chest because you are flat chested. You see, asking people to change how they would typically look is not their problem, it is yours.

    Another thing.....what if a bridesmaid was of a race with darker skin? Would you ask them to wear ivory face foundation? Of course not. So stop making your sister's skin tone an issue.

    To be honest with you, after the initial wedding day glow/honeymoon, those photos will be tucked away and seldom viewed. Make sure your photographer takes photos of you and your husband, without your sister so you do not have complexion competition.

    One day, your pale skin will be viewed as beautiful and supple and wrinkle free while your sisters skin will look aged, dried out and wrinkled with sun spots from sun damage. Maybe by then, she will dodge the cameras and your lovely skin will be the photo feature.

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  • Trish
    Lv 5
    2 months ago

    I don't think it's mean to ask her not to tan but be prepared if she says No.  I want to invite my family over to tell them I am getting married and he's my family now so they are no longer welcome in my life.  I also want to only invite my husband's friends because they are all tall and very attractive.  I want all the guests to give large amounts of cash or gift certificates only and they will know.  These things may be considered mean.

  • Anonymous
    2 months ago

    i don't understand why this matters? you are the only one who notices... you are who you are... you're pale... accept it.

  • 2 months ago

    "for my wedding, I am planning on getting a tan....I also don’t want to go get a tan and risk damage"

    Ok, I'm saying this to be somewhat useful, but you will no longer be alive by your wedding day if you don't stop fixating on incredibly minor stuff!  Get a tan.  Don't get a tan.  Nobody cares!  Besides, since when is pale skin considered inferior to tanned skin?

    To answer your question, you will sound like a lunatic if you ask your sister to dial back on her skin color.

  • 2 months ago

    Yes.  That simply isn't appropriate. You are focused too much on comparing yourself to her.  Comparison robs you of joy. Stop.

    As others have said, you accept your bridal party as they are.  You don't ask them to lose weight or wear flats or cut their hair or hide their tattoos or not tan.  If you don't want a tan MoH, then find someone else to fill that role.  

    Of course, she is your sister and you can say whatever you want to her.  The real issue isn't her skin color but your own lack of self-esteem.  I'd encourage you to work on loving yourself for who you are rather than trying to conform to some unrealistic vision or perfection.  

  • sarah
    Lv 5
    2 months ago

    Personally, yes, I think it's rude. Your sister having a tan is NOT going to upstage you in any way, so why worry about it? It will be the least of your worries on the actual wedding day.

  • drip
    Lv 7
    2 months ago

    You accept your wedding party as they are. 

    You really need to accept yourself.  How you are. I am white and burn after a few minutes in the sun.  So you are pale. What is the big deal about it?   What if your sister was naturally darker skinned than you? If your best friend was Hispanic would you never want a photo together? You are not a ghost, you have fair skin, be comfortable in it.

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