Sara asked in Family & RelationshipsFamily · 8 months ago

What would you do?

If your parent was really ill and you didn’t know how long they have left would you leave your job and place behind? Would you leave everything to help take care of your other parent and help them through it all along with other siblings in the household? I’m stuck and not sure what to do! I’ve been at my current career and place for over 3 years. I can’t stop thinking about how much regret I would have not being around but also dropping and leaving everything behind seems irresponsible and foolish! Just want to get this off my mind and get your 100 honest opinions about it. Thank you all!

9 Answers

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  • Amber
    Lv 5
    8 months ago

    I have personal experience in this which I will share. It was the right thing for me to do for my own conscience or whatever you want to call it, but I'm in no way saying you should do the same. I've never regretted my decision. My siblings did, big time.

    My Dad had a stroke. Just like that out of the blue. Went from being able to walk to being stuck in a wheel chair. Had to retire from his job, move into disabled accommodation. While in hospital for his stroke they discovered he had chronic kidney disease. Once home he was poorly and struggled to adapt to his new life.

    I lived an hour away in the city. I was in College studying Psychology, had friends, a boyfriend, a part time job, my own place. I was literally living my dream. I had worked so hard to get my own place at nineteen.

    My sisters lived in Norwich. One had no job and three children. The other, full time job and no children. My brother had no children and worked from home.

    We got together and arranged a schedule we could all do to help our father get onto his feet. We all agreed to this "timetable". Who would visit him when. What needed to be done in the house, his appointments (as he could no longer drive himself around). I kept to mine. They did not. Not once. They kept not showing up to take him to the doctors, not showing up with his groceries, not cleaning his home or preparing his meals. Our time table meant that each of us only had to make one trip a week to him. It was doable for ALL of us with much strain on our existing lives.

    I was doing it all myself. I did that for two years. Four days a week i had to go to his house, college, work, my social life. It was too much. I kept asking my siblings for help as their was no one else. His carers were rubbished and kept not doing things they were meant to do. My siblings neglected to help me and eventually ignored my calls and emails.

    I gave up my job and my college and moved out to live with him. My boyfriend refused to do the same, how could I expect him to give up his life? We ended up splitting because it was too hard to see each other. My friends drifted off because they never saw me now I lived an hour away.

    My Dad got to a stage where I had to bath him. Feed him. Take him to the toilet. Clean him up when he had accidents.

    After two years he finally died. And guess who showed at the hospital and cried fountains of tears because their beloved Daddy had died. The three kids that hadn't been to see him in four years since he'd been ill. They have no idea how much pain they caused him. And how much I had to give up because they were reluctant to change their lives. I call it selfish some may disagree.

    They had so much guilt that they hadn't done more. No one said they had to give up everything like I did. I only gave up everything after they failed to keep our agreement. But that guilt made them feel terrible. My eldest sister especially. It made them act like assholes towards me. I had no guilt. I had no regrets. They'll have to live with their decision and that guilt. I have none and have been able to get my life back together and come to terms with my Dad's death. Their guilt prevents them moving on.

    Look for other possible solutions. But I could not live with myself knowing he was ill and alone. He was more important to me and so was the fact had had no regrets in my life.

    I wont lie. It was exhausting, frustrating and lonely at time but I still feel I had the right choice.

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  • Foofa
    Lv 7
    8 months ago

    If there are other adult siblings living closer to the situation you shouldn't have to completely abandon your career. So I'd work with those brothers/sisters to work out a plan where maybe you pay more toward the things your ill parent needs to make up for not being there. Then of course you go visit as often as possible.

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  • Pearl
    Lv 7
    8 months ago

    i probably would if they let me

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  • Nathan
    Lv 4
    8 months ago

    I would ask for a leave of absence. If you've been there that long they should grant it to you, but what will you do after they pass? As difficult as it is, you need to think about your future too. Spend as much time with your parent after work and on weekdays, they'll appreciate it just the same.

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  • 8 months ago

    Could you just ask for some time off, or even for less working hours?

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  • 8 months ago

    You need to stay with your career but visit much more often. Using your vacation time or other time you can get off, plan on visiting enuf so you can see them and help on some level. They don't expect you to quit and sit in their house all the time. If necessary, hire some daytime help for them, but stay with your own life, parents don't expect their children to stop living when their time comes.

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  • 8 months ago

    it depends - there is not one size fits all.

    you need to ask yourself some questions.

    1. how difficult would it be to resume your career

    2.does your organisation allow career breaks

    3.how old are you

    4. what are the life circumstances of other siblings

    5. Can you afford to

    6. Can you afford not to - ie will all family money be used up

    7. How long will this be for

    8. Are you tough enough

    9. Are your other siblings better placed.

    My father was ill - I was made redundant - it was suggested I care for him fulltime - I didn't - he lived five years further - I got another job which was many miles away - as its almost impossible to get a job where we are - I visited every week - My life would be radically different - if I had given up my career - I probably could not have returned to work at the same level and 5 years of care for someone very sick indeed would have been a huge toll on me.

    You need to do whats best but people can very ill for a long period.

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  • Anonymous
    8 months ago

    I've discovered brand new accts don't know how to add details we need. Go into your question through profile and update it. You can also just comment on my answer.

    How old are your parents, how far away are they now, and who are these siblings at home?. Can they help? The biggest detail of all, though, is WHY it would occur to you to quit your job and go back home. This isn't the norm unless it's very unusual circumstances. In fact, most parents I know would be very against this, because you deserve what you've worked for.

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  • 8 months ago

    I'm sorry to hear about your parent. I'm not a parent myself, but if I was, seeing my child succeed and excel in their life would be very important to me. Spending time with them is important, and you should take every opportunity to fit it in around your schedule that you can.

    Talk to your mother/father about this. See what they want you to do. I would be surprised if they didn't want you to keep going with your career. Having more time with them may seem tempting, but its not a good trade-off if they are more stressed or upset that they are getting in the way of your livelihood while you spend time with them.

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