Do you like my poem I saw her crying?

I saw her lying in despair

Her face is hidden by her hair

With teardrops flowing from her eyes

I feel her sorrow as she cries

Her pain is pounding deep inside

She wipes those tears she tries to hide

Her life is coming to an end

Her broken heart she can not mend

He told me that I was his life

And that soon I’d be his wife

What kind of man could be that way

To just leave me in disarray

I don’t know what I could have done

He told me now I was no fun

He said the years though have been great

But lately I’ve gained too much weight

So I told her that if she would stand

I would gladly take her by the hand

I’ll show you what this man can do

To help you through and be brand new

I’ll help you to move along

And day by day you will be strong

And in the end I found a way

Together twenty years, since that day

10 Answers

Relevance
  • Thomas
    Lv 7
    5 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    I thought the poem was very since and well written. The FACT that obesity

    is an epidemic in the USA at least, makes the topic and concept very legit-

    sorry if folks get offended, but there are way too many fat folks around with

    huge health problems because they are overweight. I have tons of compassion

    for overweight folks, but many want "acceptance" rather than to try and save

    your life. It does not make sense.

    What has not been mentioned is the majority of poem is written in very timely

    Iambic Tetrameter. It falls apart in some lines but overall you did good.

    Congrats. Thomas

  • 5 years ago

    It got tediously long, but I'll commend you for couplt ryhme schemes that weren't obviously forced. If in fact the poem is taken from a personal experience, I commend you.

    Bathos :

    1.

    a. An abrupt, presumably unintended juxtaposition of the exalted and the commonplace, producing a ludicrous effect.

    b. An anticlimax.

    2.

    a. Insincere or grossly sentimental pathos: "a richly textured man who ... can be ... sentimental to the brink of bathos" (Kenneth L. Woodward).

    b. Banality; triteness.

    I didn't find insincerity, or gross sentimentality.

    Is it worthy of a Pulitzer prize? No, but it wasn't a please choke me read.

  • Tina
    Lv 7
    5 years ago

    Your scansion is not always correct, and the line 'lately I've gained too much weight' introduces a note of bathos which I'm not sure is what you intend.

    If you deal with those problems you will have an effective piece of verse.

  • 5 years ago

    But lately I’ve gained too much weight ... 'That's not very nice is it ?

    You sound like a male - chauvinists sexist and chauvinistic poet 'But it' rhymes .

  • How do you think about the answers? You can sign in to vote the answer.
  • Anonymous
    5 years ago

    The tense of the entire poem is inconsistent. The title and the first line are in the past tense. Then the rest of the poem up until the last two lines is in the present tense.

  • 5 years ago

    I think it's really great. It's much better then much of the trash I've read here. Bravo and keep writing.

  • 5 years ago

    It was to long for me and the switching of man to woman and back again did not work. Keep writing for you only learn by doing.

  • 5 years ago

    This is very moving and I really liked how you made that turn at the end! I LOVE it

  • Joe
    Lv 7
    5 years ago

    Yes.

  • 5 years ago

    oh yea great call her fat . real depth and inner soul . screw you

Still have questions? Get your answers by asking now.