Ryan R asked in Arts & HumanitiesPoetry · 9 years ago

Any suggestions on this poem?

You and I and lovers season, I write you this poem for only one reason.

A gift to you to show you my feelings, I love you so much and that not just me speaking.

You are my all my shining light, with you as my audience I have no stage fright.

You brighten my stage my life my sight, I now have the confidence to pull through forthright.

Being with you has lifted my spirit, In a lottery of love and life I've got the winning ticket.

And no this isn't it just a short snippet, I will continue on and be more specific.

Everything about you is why I'm in love; Your voice, your laugh even your nose which you should be proud of.

You have no flaw I cant look past or ignore, Because you've won me over like the american civil war.

I can't overlook your grace your style your beautiful smile, All thought we argue I know it's all worth wile.

I know if we genuinely try we can succeed, You and I together there is no obstacle that can impede.

I'm a better person with you as my partner in crime, With love so great we can even take on optimus prime.

To challenge us would be a waste of time, It's thanks to you I have the motivation to complete this rhyme.

Ps. the nose line is about her hating her nose which i always tell her its super cute if you were wondering lol

i also need help with punctuation, are comas missing stuff like that. and im open to suggestions on line changes. better rhymes you know lool... this is my 1st real poem so please people do be to hard on mee haha :)

2 Answers

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  • Anonymous
    9 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    Well first of all a big well done. If that is your first poem, you've done yourself very proud. I very much like it, it's funny, witty and adorable. What I would avoid though is the line about the American Civil War, that was the only thing that jumped off the page and screamed 'nooooooooooooooooo'. Apart from that good job mate.

  • Anonymous
    9 years ago

    "I love you so much and that not just me speaking." could be "I love you so much, and that's more than just speaking." That's what I would say.

    " with you as my audience I have no stage fright." could be "with you as my audience, I'm free of stage fright."

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