What to do??? Daughters new boyfriend and grand kids are very unhappy!!!?
This may be a bit long. However, I will try to keep it as short as possible. My youngest daughter has a live in boyfriend who she just won't take a good hard look at. He walks around 24/7 with the cell phone ear piece in his ear and talks on the phone LOUD outside so everyone will notice him. He signed up for a college course through the V.A. so he could get x amount of dollars over and above all his disability checks and so he could get a new computer. He will contribute to the household but, he's very controlling with his money and hers. He tells me he's the 'main' of the family and he takes care of his family but, he picks and chooses what he will pay for instead of paying 1/2 of everything and the daughter paying 1/2 of everything. He constantly looks over her shoulder to read what she is texting or insists to know who she is talking to on the phone. However, he is very private with his stuff and will ask her to leave the room when he puts his passwords in..but, he has to know hers. He rarely lets her go anywhere alone. He's always thinking she's sneaking off and seeing some man. He jumps right in the middle of my daughter and her girls when there may be a problem and tries to take control. He always says, 'I'm grown". "You have to respect me", "I have accomplishments", "I'm 43 years old and I've been around the world". He does not work and does not want to. He's always in the middle of everything trying to be in control. My daughter feels that since she was a drug addict before (she's been clean18 months) that she doesn't deserve any better. He says she couldn't do better than him. She's afraid she cannot make it on her own. I have tried to bring things to her attention. Especially the way this is affecting her kids. She tells me one thing and does another. She sticks up for him then she hates him. I tried very hard to like him but, he is so transparent I just can't act one way and feel another. He will not have anything to do with me, won't come in the house and will wait outside when he brings my daughter here but, he wants me to send him a thanksgiving dinner tomorrow cause he won't come for dinner. And, he uses my other vehicle. I've talked to him, very nicely, and tried to make him aware of his behavior and how it affects the girls. He just tells me he's grown etc., etc., or that I dont understand. I was understanding when he was still in diapers! So, there's the story pretty much. Now, I want to know if there is anything you can think of, that I haven't, to either make him see how insecure and controlling he is and maybe he could work on it (by the way he just got of a 60 day rehab for his behaviors) or, do something to show my daughter how he has changed all their attitudes (no one smiles etc. much anymore) or, a way to help my grand kids deal with the crazies. Thank you for your help...there are times you can help others and times you just cannot come up with the right thing to help yourself. I've tried everything I know to do. So, I thought I'd let them read your answers to this question. JOSA
Reckless, I HAD to say that you are just too sweet. Thanks for the sincere answer!
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I did read all of that, and in my honest, very honest opinion he seems very controlling. one way or no way. - and that is not good to be around a person like that, unless they change, or can control what they do all the time.
It's good that your daughter has been clean, and that her life is on track. she should know that she deserves everything and anything. just because of a past, doesn't mean you should be ashamed, and cause you to believe you deserve little in a man. - the fact she has changed her life so dramatically, should prove to her that she deserves more. I can't say that me telling you to keep telling her this will help her understand her own worth. some people are stubborn, and have to come to terms with it in there own time.
But she needs to know, a man like that can simply get her hooked on drugs again, forcefully, or unintentionally from stress or depression.
"respect", what defines this?
'grown' and a whole lot of 'accomplishments' does not define that you should be giving respect. One deserves respect, if they are kind, caring, compassionate, forgiving and a good provider. I'm sure you can think of more ideals. But what im trying to project is that, he doesn't get respect unless he gives it too you - you are his girlfriends mother, The one person who deserves a sh*t load of it. this man doesn't deserve respect, he must earn it, and must know this.
Control is a serious issue, and in the future it can lead your daughter into dangerous situation. a controlive nature can develop to far worse things, abuse. I'm sure you know this, and by what you have been saying... she cant go out without being questioned, and looks over at her messages. It's not good, and can be a bad thing in the future, it needs to change. if it gets worse, it makes it harder to get out of these types of relationships.
I am only telling you this, because of my own experiences - and most men develop into this, if there already controlive like that.
My sisters boyfriend was in a similar way, but she is much younger, and harder too convince. my mother hated the relationship she held, but couldn't break them up. my mother spoke to her and said ' you know i love you, but i don't like him, i don't want to see him. you can continue this relationship but i have to have you too know that he is bad news, he is a d'ckhead. i will support you, with any decision you make. but i am sorry, if you want to be with him i cant talk to him, or give him anything' - my sister soon realized what had happened, and broke up with him. he was cheating on her.
Saying that, maybe you should reassure your grand kids, and tell them your feelings, and the whole situation. yes there are probably children. but they do understand a lot at that age. the same goes with your daughter - you need to speak with her, and tell her you don't accept the relationship. and how you feel. be dead set honest. Speak with him aswell.
don't meet his demands, don't cook him dinner. if he doesn't want to see you, why would you cook him dinner? you are not his slave, and he wont even treat you like a mother. that's fu*ked up, seriously. tell him your not going too do that.
I tried to give you advice, im only 18. this is the best i can do. sorry. i hope some of this helps.
he seems very controlling. and the fact that he wants to know everything she does and her passwords etc. but doesn't want her to know his..something is definitely wrong there. as for saying he is grown he needs to start acting like an adult and stop depending on you for your car and his thanksgiving dinner. you did great by telling him how you felt..but unfortunately he needs to hear it from your daughter. n if she feels like she doesn't deserve better,...well, then she won't get anyone better. i know she's been doin good staying sober but having someone like him can make her turn to drugs again. he's more of a problem than a support for her. your daughter needs to focus on herself and her daughters. if he lives with you...then you need to tell him to get out since he's "grown".
- 1 decade ago
He sounds like a crazy. Just make sure your grand kids know that you're their for them, and that if they feel uneasy they can come to you. Unfortunately, your daughter probably won't listen to your protests, but you should encourage your grandchildren to politely tell their mum how they feel (without influencing what they say). If he didn't sound so controlling, and say she'd soon grow tired of it, but he night not let her leave him. In that case, you need to be 100% there to help her.
- SeekerLv 41 decade ago
Walk Out, plain & simple or kick both of them out. Its hard either ways but you have to take corective steps today to avoid bigger hassles tomorrow.
There are limitations to being parents to children who do not respect / value elder's advice. Today your daughter is seemingly happy with the guy but once when faced with harsher realities of life, she herself would come around. Take a bold step in the larger interest.
Sit down with your daughter along with a good friend / counselor to show that she has to regain her self confidence & not live in past. But as i said earlier, its a Gordian Knot which can be opened only with a sword.
Thats life. That's Destiny & their fate.
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- ?Lv 71 decade ago
He is a stupid moron with nothing to show but a big mouth ! As for the dinner ? He..ll no !
Stop letting him use your car # he is grown # then he should buy his own !
Stay out of their life and just see the child when you can.
Your daughter needs to do thing for herself, nothing you can do for her.
- ladystangLv 71 decade ago
he's a loser and she should dump him.