Joss
Lv 7
Joss asked in Arts & HumanitiesBooks & Authors · 9 years ago

Vampires, vampires, and more vampires - all glow-in-the-dark and nice! What about this piece of my work?

Vampire Fans ONLY: Tell me what you think about this piece. Is it boring? What would you change? What did you hate? Would you keep reading? Does it seem realistic? Tell me if you start reading and stop because I want to know! This is the last piece I'll post before I move on to another site for more critical feedback. I use this site for more "reader" feedback, but if you can give me critical feedback then go for it! BE HONEST! I can't post too much because it usually gets cut off.

***

Reece opened his eyes from what he hoped was a bad dream and gazed around the dark, but familiar room. It was Dr. John Spanio’s home. Reece arched his back a little trying to raise himself, but the pain in his abdominal area stopped him. He laid back down and took several sharp breaths, wincing from the sharp stings in his chest. He looked down and saw his waist covered in a white bandage with light spots of blood seeping out. He shut his eyes tightly and felt the contusion on his forehead. It didn’t hurt.

The door opened and Dr. Spanio entered. He wore beige khakis, a green polo shirt, and brown penny loafers. His short cropped brown hair was neatly styled back with gel.

“You got here just in time,” he said. “You were on the brink of death. Do you remember what happened?”

Reece tried to speak but his voice was raspy, low, and dry and he ended up coughing instead.

“I had to do surgery, but you should recover well. Your injuries are similar to a car accident. Were you in one?”

Reece’s head throbbed as he nodded.

“Get some rest. It’ll be a few more days before you can go home.” The doctor shut off the lights and quietly shut the door behind him.

Reece heard the voices of the doctor, his mother, and little sister outside the door in the living room. He could barely make out what they were saying, but they were catching up on old times. The room was still dark to him, but his vision was slowly returning. He could make out the colors of the odd table and chair, but nothing else. He knew the contents of the room. There were photographs on the wall, vases on the tables, and odd knickknacks lying around, but he couldn’t see any of them. He resisted the urge to rub his burning eyes and figured they were still filled with blood. He closed his eyes, resting, feeling his body heal in the process.

He awoke again in the middle of the night two days later. He looked at the IV tube-filled blood next to his bed and saw how the blood looked brighter than what he was used to. Fresher. He watched it drip into the tube that led to his arm. His head still spun, but it wasn’t as dizzying as before. The pitch blackness of the room was getting lighter and he could make out more things, including the black leather sofa he forgot was there. Blinking his eyes, he realized he didn’t feel the need to constantly rube them anymore. He sat up without losing breath, but his body still felt worn and tired. He plopped back down on the comfortable bed and listened carefully. The doctor was in the kitchen nuking a hot meal from the sounds of the microwave. The TV was going and was turned to a game show.

He heard the doctor’s footsteps approach the door and watched as it opened.

“I thought I heard you awake,” the doctor said. “How are you feeling?” He smiled, showing teeth that were as white as the cheap styrofoam cups they had at the homeless shelter.

“I’m feeling much better.”

Reece looked up and saw the doctor quickly removing the IV tube and checking the bandages on his stomach. His head started spinning again as he tried to keep up with the doctor’s quick pace.

“Your recovery is going well,” the doctor said, observing Reece’s wounds.

Update:

Really? Twilight said nuking a meal in the microwave? You're not too positive on this. This is a very generic term that's used a lot, so I wouldn't be surprised that others mention it. I've not read the Twilight saga though. Also, even though I haven't read Twilight I do know those vampires can't get hurt, so "nuking a meal in the microwave" does not a Twilight knock-off make.

Update 2:

No offense marj, but what does that have to do with anything? What's your opinion on this piece?

Update 3:

No, no, the bad twilight fan fic comment is fine (and funny) - especially if the person feels that way. I don't agree that it's like twilight, but I did ask for opinions, so all are welcome! If the person can quote something from it then they most likely read it and didn't post without actually reading it - and they at least answered the question.

Update 4:

Thanks for reminding me of that ambellina. That's one thing I have to remember not to do when I'm writing because I tend to do it a lot, which means I have to go through everything and rewrite lots of sentences. ;p

Update 5:

@ gezo, no that is not a "potential" flaw. I'll explain it to you, the room is pitch black, his vision will make the pitch blackness lighter so that he can see, so the room is lightening up for him. His being badly hurt has made him weaker than he already is...but explaining to you the whole concept of my vamps would be too much time. You say "another" plot hole. Please, inform me of what you think the others are. This is just a small snippet of a scene, so you can't tell any potential flaws in my vamps (or storyline) without knowing what characteristics I've given my vampires, and my vampires are not pale (they don't glow in the dark either), so I've moved on from that boring, cliche element of vampires past.

5 Answers

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  • Anonymous
    9 years ago
    Best Answer

    Vampires are neither nice nor 'glow-in-the-dark'. They are vicious and pale creatures.

    The story is like a bad twlight fanfic or somthing. I even recall in the book it said 'nuking a meal in the microwave', just like what you said =P

    Hmm another plot hole...

    If this guy IS a vampire, he would be seeing better in the dark. So if it gets lighter and lighter, that means his eyesight is dwindling.

  • Anonymous
    9 years ago

    Joss, don't worry about other people's two cents. They see the word 'vampire' and automatically think "Twilight!" I've caught myself doing it. Besides, people can't tell a complete story by a tiny excerpt.

    =P

    About your writing, I find it flowing. Your grammar is comely and nothing is forced to the paper. I could keep up with what's happening and there was no confusion. I like how you compare things such as the doctor's teeth to the foam cups.

    =)

    You did just fine.

    Source(s): Fantasy and Horror writer
  • Erma
    Lv 4
    4 years ago

    THis is from Midnight Sun. Somewhere end of chapter 13 begining of 14.

  • Anonymous
    9 years ago

    I read a book written by a former vampire---many people refuse to believe such a thing exists, but this man is for real. The name of the book is "Lucifer Dethroned", author William Schnobelen. He and his wife are both very active in Christian ministry now, but the devil attacks them very much.

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  • 9 years ago

    I just have a quick bit of advice; try to switch up your sentence structure a little bit. I think 80% of the sentences start with "He" and it get's a bit repetitive. "He laid back down...He looked down...He shut his eyes...He wore beige khakis... etc.

    Source(s): College
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