My Poem I saw her lying there, comments?

I saw her lying in despair

Her face is hidden by her hair

With teardrops flowing from her eyes

I feel her sorrow as she cries

Her pain is pounding deep inside

She wipes those tears she tries to hide

Her life is coming to an end

Her broken heart she can not mend

He told me that I was his life

And that soon I’d be his wife

What kind of man could be that way

To just leave me in disarray

I don’t know what I could have done

He told me now I was no fun

He said the years though have been great

But lately I’ve gained too much weight

So I told her that if she would stand

I would gladly take her by the hand

I’ll show you what this man can do

To help you through and be brand new

I’ll help you to move along

And day by day you will be strong

And in the end I found a way

Together twenty years, since that day

4 Answers

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    Blah to boring, not worth reading

    Source(s): Use your time to do something better
  • 1 decade ago

    Very sweet and your feelings obvious. I have but one suggestion . . . unless I've gotten it wrong it appears as though the first two stanzas and last two stanzas are "you" and the middle two are the words of your love right? If so, then I think it would be a good idea to put the middle two stanzas in some sort of punctuation, like quotations so it's a bit clearer to those that might be confused. Real nice piece.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    I like it. Only thing I'd change is that you change from seeing her to her talking, it didnt make since until the end. But maybe its suppose to be that way? Anyways I like it alot.

    Source(s): ME!!
  • =]
    Lv 5
    1 decade ago

    i likeee it!!

    its on a deeper level; and its interesting to readd.


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