I used to never care about my breast and I thought they were fine. I used to think I was pretty and not fat. I used to never worry about my appearance. At first I thought I was fat, and then everything else came. I actually think about how I look some days more than 3 hours a day. Other times it is less but always over 2 hours at the least.
Everything I hate:
Butt(just now like yesterday because I had about 3 people say it was flat)
Kind of hate:
I've recently been counting calories for about a month and a half now. I'm actually supposed to get 1600 calories a day, but I started off restricting only 1000 a day. 2-3 weeks later I went at 800. I said I would go down 200 until I got to really, nothing. I've tried to not really count calories but I end up doing it anyway. Right now I've been at 600 but I've been staying off the calorie counting because I don't want to and I am tired when I count calories (not eating enough.) Today I almost started counting calories because I was pissed at myself, I had on a t-shirt that makes me look fat and EVEN MORE fat. I stopped because I knew I can't do this and be tired for the rest of the day, I have sports today. Last time I had sports I didn't do anything right after counting calories:(. My friend was talking about skinny jeans and I said "these jeans used to be skinny" I actually had just said that and I still have no idea why I said that because I think they've been the same. Then she said I must have lost weight. I kept denying it and repeating myself for the next few minutes. I just kept saying it. I always wish I looked like someone else, had someone else's body. The day the calorie counting really hit me was when I started cracking down on loosing weight. I was at the hospital getting weighed and the scale said 87 pounds and I freaked out. I tried to not eat but I was sick that day so I said I might as well or else I won't get better. Other day I weighed myself it said 81 pounds but I still want to loose weight. I hate wearing shorts because of my thighs. I hate wearing baggy clothes and if I wear tight clothes I suck in my stomach.
Something weird is if I don't have my shirt on and I'm there after a few minutes my stomach starts to hurt painfully. I don't know if it's from sucking my stomach in without me realizing or what. This always happens.
If I'm eating in public not a meal but a snack or something I just hide or don't eat at all, or roll up the windows. I hate telling people I think I'm fat but sometimes I just will to not seem vain or anything.I have had people say I'm too skinny or bony. I take it as a compliment even if it's meant bad but really, I think they haven't seen my body really. I sometimes skip meals but if I don't eat my mom MAKES ME eat so I end up eating.
I can't tell anyone about this. I can't tell my parents they will think something is really wrong with me... I can't tell my friends they won't take this seriously. I haven't told anyone about these things. The other day my friend said I was too sensitive because I cried about my legs a lot before...
It's almost been 2 weeks and I have been able to hold off counting calories and not weighing myself. I have started to count calories but I just try to stop it and it's getting harder to keep holding off. The thinking that I am fat will not go away, it's been getting worse. Sometimes when I realize I ate "too much" or compare body parts that I think are fat to another persons, I will start breathing hard. Kind of hyperventilating but I can breathe.
You need to talk to your parents. You are extremely skinny and so wrapped up in this. It is normal at your age to be dissatisfied with the way you look but not to this extent. You need to get counseling ASAP. People do die from anorexia which is what this sounds like. Please talk to your parents before it gets worse. They make freak out but it's just because they are worried about you. I would want to know if my daughter was in this situation. Good luck honey and talk to someone. If you don't want to talk to your mom, try your school counselor. She can help you talk to your mom if you need the extra support.