Why am I trying to hurt myself just to get someone to help me?
I am in 8th grade, and have suffered/am suffering from depression, suicidal thoughts, and paranoia, almost fell into anorexia nervosa and cutting. First though, please don't judge me, I already hate myself because of it and everything I have done ok. But anyways, at the beginning of the year, a new teacher came to our school, and nobody liked her, even me (at least I thought I hated her, but maybe secretly I didn't). But she loved me. After she added on to a test for us to give her feedback on how she's doing, and I wrote the truth (she talked about how she had died, and about certain religious beliefs (saying that it was true) when there was someone in the class who had different beliefs) she took a STRONG liking to me. She wanted to be close to me in an emotional way, wanted me to talk to her about my past, and come to her for advice and things like that. Every day when we walked into class, she would come to my desk and specifically ask me about my day, and even hugged me once. But when I was getting all this attention, on the inside, I pretended that I hated it, and was disgusted by her. On the outside though, I resisted it. I made myself distant, just so that she would have to chase me again, and try to help me more, but I didn't always do that. A couple months ago though, she stopped. She didn't come by my desk, she didn't smile the way she used to when I raised my hand. I kept pretending to be sad, and would sometimes go a week or so, just being happy, and the next week being sad again, so that she would see the difference. Now I have to see her by myself (make up a reason to see her after class) for her to compliment me, and give me that smile that she used to, and treat me the way she used to.
Now, my route home on my bike passes right through the street of a level 3 sex offender who I often talk to, and I look up other ways to hurt myself. (I'm not going to directly hurt myself by cutting though, it has to be something that she and others wouldn't think would be my fault) I know how to make myself pass out, and am trying to come up with a scenario where that might work.
I guess I kind of know that this is wrong, but I don't want to get help, at least not until after I have done something. I just want to know why I am doing this.