Why am I trying to hurt myself just to get someone to help me?

Question

I am in 8th grade, and have suffered/am suffering from depression, suicidal thoughts, and paranoia, almost fell into anorexia nervosa and cutting. First though, please don't judge me, I already hate myself because of it and everything I have done ok. But anyways, at the beginning of the year, a new teacher came to our school, and nobody liked her, even me (at least I thought I hated her, but maybe secretly I didn't). But she loved me. After she added on to a test for us to give her feedback on how she's doing, and I wrote the truth (she talked about how she had died, and about certain religious beliefs (saying that it was true) when there was someone in the class who had different beliefs) she took a STRONG liking to me. She wanted to be close to me in an emotional way, wanted me to talk to her about my past, and come to her for advice and things like that. Every day when we walked into class, she would come to my desk and specifically ask me about my day, and even hugged me once. But when I was getting all this attention, on the inside, I pretended that I hated it, and was disgusted by her. On the outside though, I resisted it. I made myself distant, just so that she would have to chase me again, and try to help me more, but I didn't always do that. A couple months ago though, she stopped. She didn't come by my desk, she didn't smile the way she used to when I raised my hand. I kept pretending to be sad, and would sometimes go a week or so, just being happy, and the next week being sad again, so that she would see the difference. Now I have to see her by myself (make up a reason to see her after class) for her to compliment me, and give me that smile that she used to, and treat me the way she used to.

Now, my route home on my bike passes right through the street of a level 3 sex offender who I often talk to, and I look up other ways to hurt myself. (I'm not going to directly hurt myself by cutting though, it has to be something that she and others wouldn't think would be my fault) I know how to make myself pass out, and am trying to come up with a scenario where that might work.

I guess I kind of know that this is wrong, but I don't want to get help, at least not until after I have done something. I just want to know why I am doing this.

Answer 1

Best Answer - Chosen by Voters

I was the same way when I was your age (I am 21 now). All I wanted was attention from everyone all the time and I spent the majority of my free time trying to come up with ways to get it. At all costs. I wanted to hurt myself all the time, I wanted to hang out with bad people, I was loud and aggressive and tried to "look" either extremely sad or overly manic and happy all the time depending on which one I thought would get me more attention on that particular day. I especially craved this attention from teachers for reasons I still don't fully understand. Although I wanted it from my peers and family as well, but not nearly as much as I wanted it from my teachers. My point is that this is dangerous behavior and I drove myself totally crazy. I was later diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Which I also used as a attention getting tool in my later high school years. I don't know why I (was) like this, but I did grow out of it for the most part. I think you should talk to your teacher about the way you feel. Tell her that you really do like her and that you liked the attention that you were getting. Otherwise you are going to drive yourself nuts. Do not talk to that sex offender by the way. You have no idea what you are getting yourself into with that, that is extremely dangerous. Find another way to go home or get a ride home from a family member. Maybe you should talk to your parents about getting you a therapist so you can talk about these feelings you are having and how to cope with them and improve them. Email me anytime also. Hope things get better!

Answer 2

for attention...you liked the help and support your teacher gave you, you should talk to her. She may have backed off to give you space, go talk to a counsellor, don't hurt yourself. Please don't talk to that sex offender.

Answer 3

i cannot help you as much as you can help yourself.

Answer 4

try getting coulsaling or some help fast try praying always helps

Answer 5

:( kathy please be careful what you do... Something really bad could happen if your not careful.... I'm kind of the same way sometimes, you want attention secretly. But people don't often give the good kids attention anymore, not the way they deserve. So we hurt ourselves outside so people get the hint we're hurting inside, craving attention inside... Your best bet might be to tell this teacher straight up, hey, I like the attention and I don't know why I do this to myself just to get it... She might have you talk to a counselor or something, and dont resent that, they're actually very helpful :)

Answer 6

Oh honey idk why your doin this!!!!!! I'm not judging you at all:) i don't want u to do anything to yourself. Thats foolish talk!!!!!! I know you don't want help but u really need to speak to someone!!? I'm going to keep you in my prayers!!!!! Godbless