F***** up really bad with my wife?

Question

My wife and I have been married for over five years. She was raped like 2 months ago. Her therapist says that she's coping with it extremely well and that she has patients that were raped years ago and aren't as open with being with touched as my wife. At first, the only thing she would let me do was hug her and never from behind and she would shake. Now we hug and kiss and hold hands basically. She doesn't like being seen naked, even getting changed.
Last night we were kissing and I slid my fingers up the back of her shirt and she grabbed my hands and told me to stop. She said she wasnt ready and I asked when she would be ready, she said she didn't know. And I'm not proud of it, I said something like, "Do you realize how abnormal this is? Not like we haven't done it a thousand times. Its not like there haven't been guys before me. All of a sudden, some random guy f**** you, its a big deal. Get over it."
And she doesn't normally get mad, after a night of sleep, she forgives basically everyone. She started yelling about how she was trying and it was really hard for her because she feels like shes really dirty and doesn't deserve me anymore, that there's something wrong with her because if there wasn't anything wrong with her, then why did this happen to her. And how I was making it harder by putting pressure on her and how I didn't understand and never would. And I told her I was sorry and she claimed I wasn't sorry for what I said that I just didn't want her mad. She took off her wedding ring, threw it at me, and went to a friend's house. She came back about 2 hours later and put her ring back on and said that she overreacted by taking it off. I asked her why she was gone so long and she told me where she was and that she was too proud at the time to cry in front of me. She hugged me and said she loved me and slept in my arms but I can tell she's still really hurt and I think I made her more insecure.
How can I set things right?

Answer 1

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker

Oh boy. Your response to her about not having sex was so hurtful. She was degraded terribly by a man and she needs you to be a MAN and be patient, kind and understanding. When you die, you won't take your sexual experiences with you...you will be shown a clip of your famous sayings and be made to explain yourself. Act with dignity and wait as long as she needs. If you get horny, go to the dang bathroom and rub one out. She sounds like an amazing girl-don't push her away.

Source(s):

I am a Licensed Practical Nurse

Asker's Rating:

Asker's Comment:

I see what you are saying. Thank you and you're right, she's amazing.

Answer 2

Time and patience.

Reassure her that this was NOT her fault and that it has NOT affected how much you love her ande want to be with her.

Accept that it may be a long time before she is ever back to the way she was before, possibly never fully.

Read up on tantric sex. Then talk to her about possibly trying some forms of it. Remember to take everything S-L-O-W-L-Y!!!

Answer 3

It is hard time for both of you so don't be too hard on yourself

As for what you can do to set things right, actions will speak a lot more than words. Be led a lot by her, as hard as it is when in that moment. You will need to prove again to her that you can be trusted not to hurt her. Do small, thoughtful things for her, maybe take her out if that is not something you have done for a while etc. Acknowledge that she is absolutely right - you will never understand what she has been through and how she feels. Perhaps even see if you can go to a counselling session with her so you can work out what will help. Or straight out ask her what she needs from you & how you can make it easier for her.

Answer 4

wow that was really harsh of you to say . Firstly, a woman likes that her husband knows that she is only his. Not that a random guy got his way with her and things would just be ok because of it and that you are alright with that. . I know you are frustrated with it though, believe me I understand that. Maybe just explain to her that you've been impatient because you just want to see her happy and ok --- i mean, I know you seem worried about her as well . Just hug her and say that there isn't anything wrong with her, that things like this happen to good people because there are others out there who only care about themselves and that you really are sorry that it happened to her and for saying what you had ..
But you need to understand that it will take a lot of time for her. Just be supportive and prove to her that she hasn't changed in your eyes, that you love her no matter what. That's what I see marriage is, and honestly that's what I would believe that you believe as well given you're already trying to make things better, you've asked in how to do it and you show you really care about her. So just prove it to her by saying things of that sort, things you honestly mean. But also through really showing her and really being patient and not going farther with anything. She'll get there. Just give her time .
I hope this helps and I really don't mean to come off harsh. Good luck and I hope that everything goes alright between everyone

Answer 5

I'm sorry I don't think anyone will ever understand what your wife went through but your wife. Her mindset on life is different than anyone elses. Noone will ever be able to walk in her shoes. There are people that can walk beside her shoes that's been in similar situations but she has to cope with this in her own way. Just be there for her and tell her how beatiful she is and howmuch you love her but don't try to crowd her that can scare her too. I'm sorry this happened to her but one day we will walk in a perfect world (heaven) and be worry free..... hope this helps you. Mother of 7

Answer 6

Show her how much you love her! Girls always want their guy to be romantic! Hug her and hold her hands, say something along the lines of: "listen, I screwed up last night. I love you, and its hard for me to understand what you're going through because I've never been through it. But I'll do whatever it takes to help you feel better. I love you and I'm so sorry, I didn't mean what I said." Kiss her and stay in her comfort zone until she's fully recovered. Do whatever it takes to help her. Hope I helped :)